You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
