if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
no you cant smoke seaweed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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