I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
