you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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