i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
