Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
