I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
