Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
