New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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