you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
