I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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