you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
