whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
