wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
