I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
