OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
