How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize