Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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