You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
