just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
