So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
