Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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