So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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