She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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