Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
