Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize