Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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