My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
