Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
