I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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