when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My vagina is officially offended.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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