I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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