Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
