where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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