oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
