I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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