FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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