Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
