we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
