Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
