It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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