atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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