I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Farmville is her only friend.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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