Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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