I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
