New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize