i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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