Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
