My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
