I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
