Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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