the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
