My liver just broke up with me...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
