You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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