trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
this boner is exhausting
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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