Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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