My friends, they love my intelligence
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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