I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
