just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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