saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
