im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
