I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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