I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
