Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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